Thursday, July 10, 2008

The adjustment period

Last week felt like a vacation. It really did. I just felt like there would be work to go back to at some point and that it was just a short little respite. This week, feels a little more like permanence and it is both scary and confusing.

I remember when I was leaving, I was feeling that I would be wanting to do nothing but be Owen's mom for the next few years and would not want to even think about taking anything on for at least another 6 months.

A few days ago, I pictured working in the afternoons. Yesterday, I was figuring out when I could work and what I wanted to work on. Some 6 months. I am so grateful Steve is committed to a 6 month contract to allow me to fully adjust. I know this is just a moment in time where I feel that I only provide value when I am working. I just didn't realize that I derived so much of who I am from working and earning.

I can say that either way, I still cannot imagine going back to anything full time. I cannot really see working for anyone but me and deciding what I could and would take on. I wonder when even part time will pass as a desire now that the vacation is over.

Funny, but true, I really am struggling with simply being a mom. Maybe it is because the last 16 years have been so frenetic and I became accustomed to doing 47 things at once and now I simply answer the same question 47 times.

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