It only took 10 months

I am really getting into this job now. I run errands with him and he is a delightful companion. I never panic about having to do something with him, because I get it now. I feel like I am his mom and I owe it all to my husband. Thanks for this time!

Funny, I thought it would be a shorter transition, but it wasn't and I am grateful for the time it took for me to adjust. It is so fun to be doing this with my time.

He is growing so fast. I am glad I was there for it!

What's up with this?

At about 1:15 every single day, I get very frustrated. My sweet little toddler works my last nerve at exactly the same time every day. I guess we both know when nap time is. I continue to struggle with patience.

Can't sleep

I have never been good at falling asleep. Most of my striving little life, it has been due to stress, panic, fear, worry and general insanity. The last two nights, I was unable to fall asleep because I was SO HAPPY. That is a new one, people. I really feel secure in my life right now, which would normally cause me great panic ("when life looks like easy street there is danger at your door" - thanks Jerry Garcia!) But right now, I am blissfully content. I know who I am, what my purpose is and what makes me happy. I know when I am not happy, how to get there. I have no earthly idea how this happened.

Up until Owen, I never thought motherhood was for me. In fact, even through his first year or so, I didn't think this would work out well. I am very different now. I hope it stays this way. I like this, A LOT. Don't get me wrong, I am still striving for the next big thing (opened a consulting business - more on that later), and trying to figure out when I can get that Benz I want, but for the big part of my brain, I feel really confident. I am the most important person in the world to someone who is learning everything from scratch. Not even a month ago this statement terrified me with the huge-ness of it, now, I feel very strongly that I am doing a good job WAY more times than not and I am even getting some delish validation (mommy, I love you soooo much!)

What a crazy turn of events, indeed.

Passing trials

In the last 6 months I have struggled with my role, child, home situation, worth and identity. I am pretty much done with that now.

I am a mom and a damned good one at that, at least normal. Last night, I came home from Christmas shopping to a VERY sick child. It was the first time in his life that he threw up. It was 12:30 a.m., of course it was. I was there. I helped him, cared for him, changed his bed clothes and made him as comfortable as possible. I did this until 2:30. Steve took over until 5, when I took over again. When he was hungry at 6 a.m. I made him some toast. He threw that up. He got diarrhea and vomiting. He was pitiful.

I was calm, cool and caring. Oh, and PROUD! I didn't once shudder at the piles of vomit on me all night and throughout the morning. I raged at a doctor who told me there was nothing to give him and I got him to sleep for a short while. I am a mother, his mother, the best job in the whole world. I could not be more thankful that I am lucky enough to have a flexible home situation with my husband and I am really thankful for my LG steam washer with the biohazard setting. I think I'm going to make it.

The curse of Monday

Every single Monday is such an unbelievable trial. O is so cranky, contrarian and just downright twerpy. EVERY SINGLE MONDAY. Without fail. Seriously. Then poof, Tuesday, fab child returns.

On Monday, he doesn't want to leave the house. He wants to do nothing all day but mope and crank and argue. I asked Steve if this was the same for him and he said it absolutely was. Something goes on on Monday for this kid. I think it is because of all the dual parent time and a lot of times, my parents are here to add to the excitement and then, Monday, it is all gone.

Funny thing is that every single Tuesday morning, he sleeps in past 8 a.m. Clearly something goes on that day. Now, if I can just learn and develop a strategy to deal with Mr. Cranky Pants on Monday...

Key difference in work v. home

When I think about my work day now versus my old work days, I am struck by one truly BIG difference. Even at the top of my game, in any given day, I have maybe 1-4 opportunities to get something wrong. And when I mean wrong, I mean irritating a client, losing a project or piece of business, alienating a co-worker, peer or direct report. Stuff that takes real effort to correct. Now, I have 1-4 opportunities to get it wrong AN HOUR...Think about THAT one!

The more you know...

You know in your regular, collecting a paycheck job, you can choose to have a loser day sometimes. You know, where you update FB every 15 minutes, or shop for the holidays, whatever. Time on the job where you don't have to think. What is cool about my new job is that I get 1.5-3 hours of this almost every day. What I didn't realize is that the hours I am on the clock, I have to think HARD! The Happiest Toddler on the Block book reminded me just how much thinking goes into raising a happy kid. Lemme tell you something, there are hours every day that I scrutinize every work before it comes out of my mouth. And if you knew me before, I have no filter...whatever pops into my head most often came out. It was a charming quirk (unless you were on the receiving end of a rant) anyway, what a change this one is. It is a good one because I avoid so much conflict when I do it, but damn, my brain hurts!

I used to like roller coasters

I battled post partum depression during O's first year. It was the most heartbreaking thing that I could imagine. I was so out of my head that I feel in hindsight, I missed a chunk of his babyhood. And then this week, it hit me again. I started to spiral again and get very unstable. Living with a two-year-old is inexplicably hard.

In many ways they are more difficult that babies. Mostly because you don't get the impression that babies will remember crying for 2 hours five minutes after they stopped, but toddlers, oh, they remember, at least mine does. And he can tell you all about it. The cry, they argue, the contradict, the want what they want RIGHT NOOOOOOOWWWWW!! They are annoying as hell. Until you remember that they are little, weaker and do not win many battles if you don't let them.

I didn't remember that for a whole day. There was a whole day this week where I was a complete dip shit, egomaniacal, digging-in-my-heels, asshat. A whole day. I wasted a WHOLE DAY. I hate wasting time. I took this role because I felt like a missed the first two years and REALLY missed a good six months when I was a mental Jello mold. And then, I pissed a whole day away. One that could have been awesome, but instead, it was a cry-fest. Let's be honest, in the past three weeks, I pissed away 4-5 whole days, and two more while I was on vacation. All because I couldn't remember that he is little, weaker and doesn't get to win much...but alas, I did remember. Since I remembered, happy, happy kid and guess what? Happy, happy mommy, who can also be a major stupid ass.

Downside of development

The boy has nightmares now...big, honking, scary, screaming, quivering lip nightmares. Last night, I think he slept for a total of 5 hours. Meaning Steve and I slept for a little less than that. The sad part is the fear in his eyes. Chalk this one up to "Crap I DIDN'T think about when I realized I wanted to have kids." Poor buddy!

Woah...

So, we are leaving our vacation and we are all sick. Can I just say that there is nothing harder in the WORLD than looking after a toddler when you have a cold/flu. I cannot tell you how exhausting that yesterday was. I had the chills and aches and a headache and stuffy nose and all the other crap and he just wanted to run around the yard and play soccer with me...OYE!

Feeling a right bit better today, thanks goodness.

Having some fun

Vacation as a stay at home mom is hilarious. It is crazy how different it is than being at home. I am a flat-out tourist and I don't care. I took O to a waterfall and a fish hatchery yesterday. It was so fun. We just farted around for three hours. We had a breakfast date and a lunch date. I took tons of pictures and just had a glorious time. It is nice to smell the roses and be with my boy to show him all of nature's wonders. He loves the mountains and the waterfalls. But when asked if he wanted to live here or our house, he said I like our house best. It was sweet.

It was only weird when I saw a group of business people at breakfast and I realized that used to be me...making deals, decisions, traveling. I suppressed the urge to sit with them and talk. Good thing, because I got the sense they wouldn't be too pleased with the sticky toddler by my side. Although, I can say I wouldn't trade business travel for any level of sticky toddler...

Q: So what do you DO all day?

A: Awakened by plaintive "mmmoooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeee!", greet child in bed, tell him to go get daddy cuz mommy's going for a run, finish run, get a rousing hiphiphooray from child, shovel down breakfast, print out grocery list, manage morning tantrum, put on different shirt because running shirt too sweaty to wear to the grocery, coax irritable toddler to go to grocery store, select toy to thwart store tantrum, run out of house with binky, grocery list, car key and purse, oh yeah, and the toddler, toss purse in car, ask toddler to hold key, pick up toddler, wedge him into the Jetta, buckle him in, open garage, breathe, drive to grocery, more breathing (phwew), walk through grocery chasing my dancing child, pay for groceries, wrestle with my purse, get cart to car, open car and start it to cool it so I will not have to hear how hot the car is for 20 minutes, put groceries in car, return cart with child, put kid in car, buckle kid, dispense binky, wonder if I will make it home before peeing my pants. Get home, unbuckle kid, send him to the house. Prop open doors, unload groceries, unpack groceries, make a snack, continue unpacking grocs, pour a cup of milk, finish unpacking groceries, get doodle pad out for budding artist, take out all of the crap we didn't eat last week to the trash, take out the recycling, trip over recycling cans, curse and scream. return to house a little fresher, talk toddler off ledge, unload diswasher that hubby was kind enough to run, load dishwasher with all the tupperware from fridge that has moldy crap in it, go outside and play, watch dog be tormented by bees, gather no fewer than 6 awful mosquito bites, drag screaming toddler in house. Convince toddler to play favorite past time, play-doh. Make fab pond with ducks, fish and bread to feed ducks, pull out more drawing materials, draw and color, greet hubby for lunch, make "triangle" sandwich as requested, serve lunch, eat something, not sure what, take child out of seat, wash hands, walk up steps, crawl into bed with child, roll around and play before child dozes off to sleep, visit with hubby, sit down, read the Internet and blog...and it's only 2:15.

Things you just didn't know

I admit, I had no idea how hard being a parent was going to be. I just didn't. Especially the beginning, oye, the beginning! And then there was a lull in the difficulty, and now, a new difficulty has reared its ugly head. Nope, not the terrible twos, although, they are terrible, it is the paralyzing fear that your child will suffer other children's cruelty.

When I realized I wanted to have a baby I wanted to see life again. I was thinking about all the cool stuff, like learning to ride a bike, a first kiss, eating ice cream as it dripped down my face, you know, the Hallmark card crap. I failed to remember that life is hard, people are mean and children are violent, rotten creatures. I think it is important to note that my son is truly a docile soul. He watches everyone and everything and when he is ready, he decides who he will play with and what he will join. He chooses his friends carefully. The other day, Steve caught a bigger boy pick on O while we were at a play date. I was furious. I wanted to kick that 5-year-olds ass. But, I can't. Talk about egging on bullies (your mom rescued you, blahblahblah).

But, the more I learned about the story, the prouder I was of my son. This bigger child wanted to put some stuffed animal in O's shirt, O wouldn't let him and stood his ground. The bigger boy got mad and probably shoved him, but O still wouldn't let him. I was so proud of him for saying NO, you will no do what I don't want you to do. Now, I just need to teach him to shove back...see, O, is 3'3+" tall, according to charts, he is likely to be over 6'4". He is almost as big as this 5 year old. And he is pretty strong. I am sure he won't have many bullying problems later in life, but, I know I will restraining myself from roughing up a 6 year old...

Starting to come together

I am running again, feels great. Also, I finally grew my hair out enough that it doesn't look hideous. But, best of all, I think I am beginning to accept my new role. I am trying to be present in his days. Some days it is hard. Some days, I just want to blog and do "work". But, I am now starting to put that aside and really play. It is pretty kick ass. We are having fun and when I take the time to listen to him and what he wants, we don't have a lot of challenges, just laughs and harmony. I think our Chicago break did us some good. Stay tuned!

Because sometimes, you just have to cry

I get back from a great weekend visiting my parents and then this morning, overslept, missed Gymboree, missed my morning run, had no food in the house and no grocery list, suitcases everywhere and nothing unpacked, laundry everywhere and toys strewn about. My to do list feels epic and I am overwhelmed. I get very upset when there is chaos in my house and today was like a tornado. It culminated with me spilling my lunch all over the kitchen floor. I just cried. And cried and cried. Sometimes, that is all you can do.

I think it is great to have Steve at home, but when he is here on days like today, it is embarrassing and even harder to hold it together. I never thought there would be a down side to this, but this is it. When I am feeling like a failure and holding myself together by a thread, I have an audience. blah. But then he helps and I need it, but I wish I could do it all myself.

The adjustment period

Last week felt like a vacation. It really did. I just felt like there would be work to go back to at some point and that it was just a short little respite. This week, feels a little more like permanence and it is both scary and confusing.

I remember when I was leaving, I was feeling that I would be wanting to do nothing but be Owen's mom for the next few years and would not want to even think about taking anything on for at least another 6 months.

A few days ago, I pictured working in the afternoons. Yesterday, I was figuring out when I could work and what I wanted to work on. Some 6 months. I am so grateful Steve is committed to a 6 month contract to allow me to fully adjust. I know this is just a moment in time where I feel that I only provide value when I am working. I just didn't realize that I derived so much of who I am from working and earning.

I can say that either way, I still cannot imagine going back to anything full time. I cannot really see working for anyone but me and deciding what I could and would take on. I wonder when even part time will pass as a desire now that the vacation is over.

Funny, but true, I really am struggling with simply being a mom. Maybe it is because the last 16 years have been so frenetic and I became accustomed to doing 47 things at once and now I simply answer the same question 47 times.

Reasons I am thrilled to be on the off ramp

There are so very many things in corporate america that are stupid. Here is a short little list of the things that make me completely insane that I will be happy not to see for a few years. Also, there is hope in my heart, when I come back these items will be taken care of, so for those of you not off-ramping, help a sister out, keep pushing to agenda and making change...

Old Boys Clubs
You know when we are looking into a company and you go to the About us section of their website. You click on the management team and there is either
a.) no women, or
b.) one woman either in HR or
c.) one woman who is the assistant to all the men.
I think these companies should be embarrassed to have NO WOMEN working in the highest corridors of their company. NONE. This is beyond sexism. There are millions of women qualified to be CIOs, COOs, CMOs, CEOs for that matter. And many of these companies are marketing to us. How in the world will the know what we want? Clearly, they ask the office manager.

VP of my butt
The made-up, dumb-ass, self-aggrandising job title. The 90s called and they want heir job titles back. Chief Yahoo!, Flash Ninja, Storyteller, Evangelist, I could go one, but I just threw up in my mouth. End this ridiculous practice and tell me what your GD job actual is!

Do you really want to know?
I telecommuted for two years. I grew accustomed to getting my work done as efficiently as possible with no interruptions. Out of sight was out of mind. Few people called me unless we had a scheduled call and no one would walk up to my desk (except my cat) while I was listening to music hammering out a proposal. I was busy, obviously. So, needless to say, I hate forced small talk. People, if you genuinely care about my weekend or what I am doing tonight, fine, but, I ain't buying it. Plus, most of my stories now revolve around my kid and I know from not having a kid, those stories are BORING AS ALL GET OUT! So, let's just come to work, do our jobs, form some relationships and leave the forced small talk behind us.

This is my vision for the workforce in 2012. But then again, I just read that is the year of the apocalypse, so, either way...

Short timer

Woke up this morning and thought it was Saturday. It wasn't. I guess I am anxious for Saturday and my first day in my new role full time. I am trying to get everything transitioned.

People say the nicest things when you leave a job. They should do this more when we are on the job...

hmmmm...

I love excitement. I love communication. I check email about 1,000 times a day and I have several accounts. I love Facebook and LinkedIn. I love people's blogs. I like knowing what is going on and what is in the news. I like being current. I like news. All kinds of news, office news, national news, personal news, you name it. Oh, I should probably mention, I was a journalism major.

I love change and excitement and new-ness. I have moved more than 1,000 miles five times. And because of all these things, I am concerned for my new job. I know there will be new things that Owen will do every day and things he will learn. I am hopeful that I will get the same charge out of them. I probably wont I will probably get a different change.

I have noticed since my notice, that I receive fewer emails both at work and personally. I have fewer IMs. I think I am being weaned from the Internet. I don't like it.

Can I do this?

The word has spread at work for the most part and everyone is very happy for me. But, I think my son is the happiest. Everyday he wakes up asking if today mommy stays home? And when I say no, he says mommy says home soon. And then proceeds to tell me all the things we are going to do together. It begs the question: Are his expectations of me aligned with what the reality will be?

Think about this: For the past two years, I have gone to work and was Mrs. Momma Excitement from 5:30-8. I was the treat to go see at lunch. And now, I will be the primary care-taker. The one to manage tantrums and fits. The one to kiss the boo-boo. I hope I can live up to his expectations. I hope I can live up to mine.