Saturday, November 29, 2008

Channeling Martha effing Stewart

Thanksgiving was flawless. Dinner for 8. Ran a five-miler in the morning with Steve, went home, showered, drank my fair share (one bottle of champagne for me, one for Steve and the guests) of mimosas and we cooked a glorious feast. The house was clean, the table fabulous and the guests well behaved. If I didn't know myself would be certain that this was total bullshit, but it wasn't. It was very nice. Oh, and the boy tried everything we had. He liked the stuffing, the corn and the yams best...actually, he liked the pie best and I quote: Owen about an hour after pie while reading him a story - "that was really, really good, good, goodie-good...PIE!"

On to Christmas! My ambitious plan is the accomplish the following in the next three weeks:

Bake cookies
Buy the tree
Watch It's a Wonderful Life (same night as the tree)
Take family to see the Nutcracker (this kids loves him some ballerinas!)
Take clothes and toys to homeless shelter and women's shelter
Write letter to Santa w/ Owen
Picture w/Santa
Storytime w/ Santa
Shop for Steve and Owen
Host 8 again for Christmas dinner

Wow, so, I would say look for an emotional meltdown on 12/9, 12/15 and 12/22 - hehehe.

Monday, November 24, 2008

The more you know...

You know in your regular, collecting a paycheck job, you can choose to have a loser day sometimes. You know, where you update FB every 15 minutes, or shop for the holidays, whatever. Time on the job where you don't have to think. What is cool about my new job is that I get 1.5-3 hours of this almost every day. What I didn't realize is that the hours I am on the clock, I have to think HARD! The Happiest Toddler on the Block book reminded me just how much thinking goes into raising a happy kid. Lemme tell you something, there are hours every day that I scrutinize every work before it comes out of my mouth. And if you knew me before, I have no filter...whatever pops into my head most often came out. It was a charming quirk (unless you were on the receiving end of a rant) anyway, what a change this one is. It is a good one because I avoid so much conflict when I do it, but damn, my brain hurts!

Friday, November 21, 2008

I used to like roller coasters

I battled post partum depression during O's first year. It was the most heartbreaking thing that I could imagine. I was so out of my head that I feel in hindsight, I missed a chunk of his babyhood. And then this week, it hit me again. I started to spiral again and get very unstable. Living with a two-year-old is inexplicably hard.

In many ways they are more difficult that babies. Mostly because you don't get the impression that babies will remember crying for 2 hours five minutes after they stopped, but toddlers, oh, they remember, at least mine does. And he can tell you all about it. The cry, they argue, the contradict, the want what they want RIGHT NOOOOOOOWWWWW!! They are annoying as hell. Until you remember that they are little, weaker and do not win many battles if you don't let them.

I didn't remember that for a whole day. There was a whole day this week where I was a complete dip shit, egomaniacal, digging-in-my-heels, asshat. A whole day. I wasted a WHOLE DAY. I hate wasting time. I took this role because I felt like a missed the first two years and REALLY missed a good six months when I was a mental Jello mold. And then, I pissed a whole day away. One that could have been awesome, but instead, it was a cry-fest. Let's be honest, in the past three weeks, I pissed away 4-5 whole days, and two more while I was on vacation. All because I couldn't remember that he is little, weaker and doesn't get to win much...but alas, I did remember. Since I remembered, happy, happy kid and guess what? Happy, happy mommy, who can also be a major stupid ass.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

And then...

I broke Princess Jasmine's head clean off...yet another "not my days"

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Finally, it is all sinking in

I realized after yet another tearful day yesterday, that the problem is me. It's not that I am bad at this role, it is just that I am utterly clueless and did not read the job description. See, I have been trying to raise an adult, I am not, I am raising a child. Children and self-centered and want what they want when they want it. Guess what, me too!

For the first time in the last four months, I stopped what I was doing to meet his needs. Today, I put everything on hold and printed 1,000 princess coloring pages with him from the computer. Then I read stories to him until lunch. Steve came downstairs to have lunch with us and I walked into the kitchen to find the breakfast mess. This is SO VERY UNUSUAL.

You know what else is unusual, not having a single melt down all morning. AND, having lots of laughs, smiles and learning. He was learning to move the mouse on the computer today so we could print those princesses. And all I had to do was WAIT to clean up after breakfast. Did this make me a little crazy, yes, did it make me crazier than our normal mornings of arguments, negotiation and tantrums, HELLS NO! I know I am being thick here, but I guess I didn't realize that I was making all the problems...DORK!

Also, every morning when I get up I read the 10 commandments for a parent, very poignant.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008


Am I ever going to feel like I am good at this?? I am beginning to wonder.