I used to like roller coasters

I battled post partum depression during O's first year. It was the most heartbreaking thing that I could imagine. I was so out of my head that I feel in hindsight, I missed a chunk of his babyhood. And then this week, it hit me again. I started to spiral again and get very unstable. Living with a two-year-old is inexplicably hard.

In many ways they are more difficult that babies. Mostly because you don't get the impression that babies will remember crying for 2 hours five minutes after they stopped, but toddlers, oh, they remember, at least mine does. And he can tell you all about it. The cry, they argue, the contradict, the want what they want RIGHT NOOOOOOOWWWWW!! They are annoying as hell. Until you remember that they are little, weaker and do not win many battles if you don't let them.

I didn't remember that for a whole day. There was a whole day this week where I was a complete dip shit, egomaniacal, digging-in-my-heels, asshat. A whole day. I wasted a WHOLE DAY. I hate wasting time. I took this role because I felt like a missed the first two years and REALLY missed a good six months when I was a mental Jello mold. And then, I pissed a whole day away. One that could have been awesome, but instead, it was a cry-fest. Let's be honest, in the past three weeks, I pissed away 4-5 whole days, and two more while I was on vacation. All because I couldn't remember that he is little, weaker and doesn't get to win much...but alas, I did remember. Since I remembered, happy, happy kid and guess what? Happy, happy mommy, who can also be a major stupid ass.